Mr. Jazz.
- Yo, what up, pop? - Home fry.
- Will's in the kitchen. - I can wait.
- Why don't you sit here a little closer? - Don't mind if I do.
- Will you just get away from me? - I love a woman who's hard to get.
In that case, I want to marry you and have your child.
I'm down with that, too.
- Sorry, Jazz. - That's okay.
I got a great view of her running out.
- What up, J? - Yo, Prince, I need a favor.
Anything, man. How many times you helped me out?
Seven.
- What do you need? - A date.
- Say no more! - I want you to date my sister.
Say a lot more.
She just moved out here. She hasn't had a date yet.
- Prince, she really needs a man. - But does she look good?
Sure she does. Good looks run in my family.
Okay, Jazz. Look, you know I'd do anything for you.
- You're like a brother to me. - Check.
Which means that your sister should be like a sister to me, not a girlfriend.
If it doesn't work out, it could jeopardize our friendship.
I'm willing to take that risk.
Look, my brother, I have to give this some serious thought.
- Can I bring her by just to meet you? - Yeah, that's chill.
Cool. Tonight, 8:00 sharp. And try to smell good.
Yo, big boy. Give your sweet mama some sugar.
Okay. I did my budget just like you told me.
- Good for you. Let me see. - This is the amount I made last week.
These were my expenses. I spent five times more than I made.
This budget thing is pretty easy.
Yo, G! Chill, man! Whatever you do, don't open that door.
- Please, Lord, tell me it isn't the police. - No. It's my boy, Jazz.
Much worse.
Hey, G. $10 says I ain't home.
It doesn't quite say it loudly enough.
- Do I hear $15? - G, you gonna do a brother like that?
- My life's at stake. - I took that into consideration.
- Why don't you want to see Jazz? - It's his sister I don't want to see.
- Jazz is trying to set me up. - Jazz has a sister?
Nice to meet you, Dad.
Mr. Jazz and Miss Janet.
Prince, here she is.
Janet, Will. Will, Janet.
You don't have a goatee.
Excuse me?
Hi, I'm Vivian Banks, Will's aunt. And this is my husband Philip...
and our daughters Hilary and Ashley.
- It's nice to meet you. - Hey, meet me again.
Why don't we all take a seat?
May I get you anything, Master William? A dribble bib?
How long have you been in town?
I just moved here. I got a scholarship to go to UCLA.
We certainly know who got the brains in your family.
Yeah, but Janet ain't stupid.
So, Mrs. Banks, Jazz tells me you're a college professor.
That's right. I teach English.
And Mr. Banks, Jazz tells me you're a professional wrestler.
I'm afraid he was mistaken. I'm a lawyer.
My apologies. I was misquoted.
I went to UCLA. Do you want to use my books?
Thanks. I was thinking of buying used books.
Well, these aren't used.
- Come take a look at them anyway. - Okay.
Jazz, I'm going to go into the kitchen for a snack.
When I come back, I want you gone.
Guess I got plenty of time then.
Will, I think Janet likes you.
I definitely think she's up on me.
You know, it's probably not too late to get that spinach out of your teeth.
So, what do you think?
Brother, do the words "boing-yoing-yoing" mean anything to you?
I can't wait to go out with your sister. Thanks for putting me "D," man.
Man, I'm having second thoughts. See, Prince, you're like a brother to me.
If you date my sister and it doesn't work out...
it could jeopardize our friendship.
I'm willing to take that risk.
In that case, how much are you willing to give?
Give?
You know, to take her out. I'd sure look good in this jacket.
I should have known.
The hat, too.
The hat.
Let me get a good look at this shirt.
I must say Mr. Jazz's sister is quite a charmer.
Yes, she is. Makes me question the whole theory of genetics.
Come on, Philip, it was awfully nice of Jazz to introduce Will to his sister.
He's a good friend.
My brothers and sisters, I've got a date.
- You know what would be fun? - I can think of a couple of things.
It would be fun to take your cousin Ashley out sometime. I love kids.
- Yeah, word. Kids are great. - Do you want kids of your own?
- Definitely. - You'd be a great dad.
You, too, baby.
I probably shouldn't tell you this...
but the moment I saw you I knew we'd be great together.
I hope it wasn't the leather jacket that did it.
Don't be silly. You're not wearing the jacket now, are you?
And I never will be again.
Clothes don't make the man.
And, Will, you are my man.
Oh, man.
Maybe we should look at the menu.
If I can get my eyes to focus.
I am getting a little hungry.
Baby, have the lobster, have the caviar. Anything you want.
I know I don't want lobster and caviar, they're much too expensive.
You're right. We are going to be great together.
- Hi, I'm Gia. - Hi, I'm Will.
- You ready to order? - We certainly are.
- Not. - Then I'll come back.
William, can we get one thing straight?
When you are with me, I don't want you to be looking at other women.
- What other women? - Please. I saw you looking at that waitress.
So you can just put those googly eyes back in your head, all right?
Hello? I said, all right?
All right.
Gia?
I'd like the swordfish and a salad. No dressing.
What about you, Will?
I'll have the...
- I'll have the steak. Rare. - Steak is really unhealthy.
- Do you need another minute? - No. He'll have the same thing I'm having.
Plus a baked potato. No butter, no sour cream.
- Thank you. - Got it.
I like sour cream.
You used to.
From now on, you need to watch that cholesterol.
I'm not having my husband dying of a heart attack at 40...
and leaving me to raise six kids by myself.
Six kids?
That's right, baby. Three girls, three boys.
And don't even think about naming one of them William.
Janet, hold on. Wait a minute.
Don't you think it's a little early to be talking about marriage?
Excuse me? Then what did you have in mind?
I don't know. Dinner, maybe a dance or two.
Is that right?
A moment ago, you were chewing on my earlobe, Mr. Niblet.
Did you think you could sample the milk...
without putting a down payment on the cow?
I ordered lemonade.
You're not gonna drink it. You're cutting out sugar, too.
No husband of mine will sit around getting fat and watching TV all day...
and leaving me with all the work of raising six kids by myself. No.
- But... - But, nothing.
And look at me when I'm talking to you!
William, who are you looking at?
Hi, Hilary. Did a guy named Michael call while I was in the shower?
- No. Who is he? - Just a boy in my class.
- Do you like him? - Sort of.
- Was he supposed to call? - He said he would.
I can't stand it when men do this.
They say they'll call, so you wait and wait. And nothing.
Do they think we have nothing better to do than sit by the phone?
Hello? Hello, Michael.
I'm glad you found a time that was convenient for you to call.
No, Ashley is not here.
I don't know where she is. She may not be back for several days.
- Hilary! - I know what I'm doing.
You want her to call you back?
Yeah, that'll be happening, Mr. God's Gift to the Fifth Grade.
Don't you feel great? Brisk walk in the morning...
and now you're exercised and ready to start the day.
Yeah. We got any more of those pecan rolls?
Aunt Viv, Uncle Phil, I need your help. I'm having girl problems.
- Didn't your date go well last night? - No.
What's the matter, baby? You like Janet more than she likes you?
I don't think so.
Well, I sure liked her.
I hope so, since we'll probably be living here with our six kids.
- Kids? - She told me last night we're having six.
Not anytime soon, I hope.
She doesn't want to start a family until we've finished graduate school...
worked at least five years and have complete dental benefits.
- That sounds very sensible. - Aunt Viv, this is all before we had salads.
Why don't you tell her you're not interested?
I tried, man. She just won't listen.
It's like Fatal Attraction.
I'm telling you, if we had a bunny, dude would be on the stove right now.
- Come on, Will. - I'm telling you, this babe is tripping.
She's already telling me what to do, what to eat, where to look.
Well, women get like that.
- Get like what? - You know.
No, Philip, I do not. Women get like what?
Like that.
You say something, William?
Master William, Mr. Jazz is here to see you.
Thank you, G.
What do women get like? I am waiting.
Hello!
Prince, is your uncle here?
I think I dislocated my hip last night dancing.
I don't want to risk getting thrown out.
Yo, man, what's up? Come on, man, that tickles.
I want my clothes back, Jazz. You set me up with a maniac.
Your sister's the bossiest woman in the world.
- I know. - You know?
She gets on my last nerves. Ever since she moved out here...
she's been hanging out at my place, bossing me around all the time.
I had to pawn her off on some sucker.
Setting me up.
Between you and the Humpty Dance, I'll get a metal plate put in my butt.
You deserve it. Your sister showed up here at 7:00 to pick out my clothes.
By 10:00, she phoned five times.
I'm telling you, she'd be here now if she wasn't out shopping for my beeper.
Are you saying your relationship isn't working out?
What relationship? I just met her.
If you're thinking about breaking up with her, you better think again.
Last guy that tried to cut her loose...
it wasn't pretty.
Dude, he's walking and all, but still.
- What am I supposed to do? - I say, marry her.
You can stop that. Homes, I'm breaking up with her.
Well, if she kills you, can I have that shirt?
- No, you can't have this shirt, Jazz. - I got an idea.
I set you two up to get her out of my face, right?
So why don't you set her up with some other sucker?
I ain't living like that. What guy deserves a woman like your sister?
Hi, fellas!
Hope you don't mind, I borrowed your Public Enemy tape.
- You like Public Enemy? - They're not half bad.
That used to be my favorite song.
You know, Carlton, I misjudged you. You're a lot cooler than I thought.
You want to go to the club with us tonight?
Sure, but I don't have a date.
Carlton, never bring a sandwich to a buffet.
And what is boyfriend having?
The green-grass salad with blue-cheese dressing.
- Nix the blue cheese. - Got it.
Janet! Kiss, kiss.
- Janet, meet Toni. Toni, Janet. - Oh, Janet.
I have a sister named Jane, but we call her Amy.
You know Carlton and Will.
And a little further down on the evolutionary chart, Jazz.
She noticed me.
- Hi, Carlton. Hi, Will. - How you doing, Toni?
- That's my cousin's best friend. - Do I look like I care?
Aren't you feeling well, Janet? You seem a little cranky.
She's just kidding around, Carlton. That's what makes her so much fun.
Will, this is a great jacket.
Thanks.
Are you, like, saying grace or what?
Yeah, I've been praying a lot lately.
If you don't stop talking out of the side of your mouth...
you're going to be talking like that permanently.
Break out the Midol.
Would you ladies care to join us?
Maybe later. We have to see if anyone better is here first.
- Isn't that Patrick Swayze? - I don't know. You tell us, Carlton.
You see, Janet, not only is Carlton brilliant and handsome...
he also knows everybody who's anybody.
- Ain't that right, Jazz? - Does he know Janet Jackson?
William, ever since we got here...
you've been going on and on about Carlton this and Carlton that.
Boy, save your charm for the girl on your arm.
Someone has her rude hat on tonight.
William, my soda is warm.
Yo, Gia.
I need more ice.
You need more ice, what?
I need more ice in my warm soda.
You need more ice, please.
- What did you say to me? - He said, "You need more ice, please."
Heads up.
Will, I'm sorry. I've got to say something.
Janet, your behavior this evening has been completely unacceptable.
Carlton.
Where I come from, manners count for a lot.
I'm sorry I've got to say this...
but I simply can't sit back and allow this rudeness to continue.
You owe every one of us an apology, especially that poor waitress.
If you refuse, we're taking you home and continuing the evening without you.
Do I make myself clear?
You know, I'm going to miss him.
Do I make myself clear?
Yes, Carlton.
Carlton was a little bit of that. I didn't know he had it in him.
He stood right up to Janet and said:
"Baby, that's about all that lip I'm going to have."
Boys, you've got a lot to learn about women.
Carlton has obviously been watching me in action.
Now, Will, your Aunt Vivian can be quite bossy at times.
But when she starts bossing me around, I don't let it bother me.
I just say no in a strong, masculine voice.
And when I say no, she jumps.
Excuse me.
What did you say?
I don't know. How long have you been there?
I came in on, "Your Aunt Vivian can be quite bossy sometimes."
You didn't hear the part where I said:
"Boys, the rest of this statement is completely untrue."
Philip, you better sleep with one eye open.
I got her just where I want her.
You know, I've learned something from all this, Jazz.
- You know what every woman wants? - Rib tips?
No, Jazz. Every woman wants a man to take control.
That's what Carlton did with Janet.
If he can make it work for him, imagine what I could do.
You did an excellent job on those apology notes.
- I'll mail them right away. - Mail them?
- I'm sorry, Carlton. I'll hand-deliver them. - That's better.
I'll get your coat.
I really should write a book.
Okay. Jazz, I know how to check a woman. Watch this.
Yo, Janet!
Peep this here, baby. We're going out tonight.
I'm gonna choose the place.
I'm gonna eyeball any honey that I darn well please, all right.
Then I'm gonna order a steak with a big bucket of blue-cheese dressing.
Do I make myself clear?
The only thing clear about you is the space between your ears.
Why the hell didn't that work?
You got the theory right. You just ain't got the technique.
Take notes. Hilary!
What?
Hilary, your behavior at the club last night was completely unacceptable.
Where I come from, manners count for a lot.
Now, I'm sorry to have to say this, but I simply can't sit here...
and allow this rudeness to continue.
Do I make myself clear?
Come here.
English